My phone began to ring and I stared at it and frowned. “Not Ryan”, I mumbled under my breath. Do you ever have experiences like that? I did recently, that was a true story about Ryan calling (names have been changed to protect the innocent/guilty). I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling the way that I was. I like Ryan, we get along very well and are interested in a lot of the same things, but for some reason I felt an urge to not pick up the phone.
As I thought about this experience I realized that it wasn’t Ryan specifically I was avoiding, it was his requests. You see every time that we talk he has something he needs my help on. And because I like and respect him, I have a hard time (ok impossible time) saying “no”; everything from relationship advice and moving furniture to last minute rides and finishing projects at work.
Boundaries are tricky aren’t they? It is tough to determine what you “should do” versus what you “could do”. The trick is realizing that you have certain responsibilities but other requests fall outside of that responsibility. When we are in the middle of the situation is it difficult to recognize the level to which requests distract and derail our other efforts.
There are many reasons that we may be hesitant to decline requests for help. You may fear the relationship will be irreparably harmed. You may have to deal with unpleasantness like anger or immaturity. You may not understand what is your responsibility and confuse a “should” with a “could”. You may also feel some level of commitment or guilt if you do not help out. All of these are valid reasons making saying no even harder.
Recognizing that every time you say “yes” to something you are saying “no” to something else will help. I used to, and unfortunately sometimes still do, get caught up at work trying to finish just 1 more project and end up late for dinner with the family. I am really saying “yes” to my career and “no” to my family.
You must recognize that there are times and places for both in every life. I would love to stay home and be with the family all day but it is hard to feed them on that effort. Similarly, if I decide to go golfing on Saturday morning, I need to recognize that I have just said “yes” to 6 hours in the weeds instead of 6 hours at home (probably in the weeds). That realization has helped me to prioritize and determine which choice is best for me.
Even when you make the decision that saying “no” is the right decision for you, it still requires actually saying “no”. So, how do we make saying “no” a little bit easier? Here are 11 steps to softening the “no”:
- Listen to the request fully and respectfully- Give the person making the request the opportunity to fully articulate the need.
- Get to know your “yes”- Before you can get really good at declining offers you need to understand what you want to say “yes” to. What are the things in your life that take priority and then say “yes” to those first. Otherwise you may end up saying “no” them by default.
- Practice- The first time you say “no” you may find it difficult, but as you work on it and gain more experience it will become easier. Start with small inconsequential requests and move on to larger requests as you develop.
- Pause before responding to any request- Take a few moments to think about what is being asked and evaluate it against your other commitments and responsibilities. Determine if it is a “should” or a “could”. I have a friend who never agrees to anything immediately when asked. Her response is always “let me check on a few things and get back to you”. This gives her the opportunity to fully vet each request and when she does accept a request she is fully committed.
- Simply say “no” (or as simply as possible)- When you determine that you cannot accept a request respond with a clear decline. Do not try to soften the response by being vague or cryptic. Either you can or you cannot do what is requested.
- Recognize your time is your time and it is valuable- Each request is taking something from you, your time, and that has value to it. Know your priorities and what you can realistically accept.
- When appropriate give a brief reason for declining- It is important to be honest and when appropriate you can share why you are unable to accept the request. People will respect your directness.
- But don’t feel obligated to explain- You are in control of your life and your reasons for declining are your own. You do not need to justify or be confrontational when you decline.
- Script it out- When you know a specific unrealistic request is coming you can prepare by writing out a response ahead of time. Or you can respond to a request through email or text which will give you a chance to fine tune and wordsmith your response.
- Have alternatives- A great way to decline a request is to couple that “no” with alternative options. Maybe you cannot help but could Sally?
- Finally, stay firm- Once you have made a decision stand your ground and stay committed. A good decision made after deliberation shouldn’t be changed in the heat of the moment.
Whatever steps you choose and use know that you are making a decision for yourself to prioritize what is important to you. Nobody has control or power over that. Say “no”…firmly, frequently and with respect. Stop Trespassing on My Time.
Question: Do you have any tips for saying no and focusing on your priorities? Leave your comments below or by clicking here.
About The Host
Jake Carlson is a popular speaker and blogger. He recently packed up his family for a yearlong, worldwide, whirlwind, trip through Asia and Europe (learn more). He is the founder of The Smart Fundraiser and Modern Leadership. Follow him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or LinkedIn. Read more about him here.
